It's 7:30 p.m. and the house is quiet. Mitri is sleeping. Husband is in our living room recliner as quiet as his snoring will let him be. Me, I'm still up roaming about like a "child of the night" restless with my thoughts yet weary.
Do I settle in bed and watch a t.v. show? Nah. . .not interested in neurotypical perfect people doing perfect neurotypical things.
Do I read a book? Yeah, let's fall into a good book. . . let's see what's on my Kindle: "Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum: A Parent's guide to the Cognitive, Social, Physical, and Transition Needs of Teenagers with Autism Spectrum Disorders" or "The Child With Special Needs: Encouraging Intellectual and Emotional Growth". . .no, too much thinking required. Oh, how about "Breaking Dawn"? Nope. ..sooooo not in the mood for a love story even of the supernatural sort. Maybe, finishing where I left off in the Old Testament? Now, that's a good idea. . .always read the OT when your lonely and blue because you're life doesn't see so miserable in comparison. Oh. . .not tonight. . .too much, well. . just too much! I know, let's really escape reality by falling into "City of Fallen Angels" or "Supernatural Witch's Canyon" or "Half Past Dead". Nothing like a good kickin' some bad guy demon ass to make you feel good . The good guys always win, right? I like to think so, but that's a whole other post for another night. No, really not up for ass-kickin' tonight. Wow, what's wrong with me tonight, I'm usually always up for some good ole butt-kickin', supernatural or otherwise!
Okay, how about some snugglin' & heart-to-heart chat with husband? Damn-it. . .he's in the chair sleeping. I can't really get mad at him, he's been pullin' a lot of Mitri duty lately including taking the brunt of the meltdowns lately. (Mitri usually comes after me when in a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde moment so my knight and shining armor usually gets between us so Mitri can't hurt me.) I know, sweet, I agree. I love that man!
So, here I am. . .a "child of the night" again with nothing tickling my fancy.
Oh, oh, maybe a chat with a friend? A little mom-to-mom commiserating? Let's see now, who should I call? Oh yeah. . .no freakin' friends. It's hard to keep a friendship going when you're raising an autistic child. A friendship is a give and take kind of thing. Your there for them.. . they're there for you & yada, yada, yada. But most ASD mom's I know don't have the energy nor the time to give a friendship what it deserves: a shoulder to lean-on, cry-on, laugh and be silly with a glass of Sangria together, girl's night dinner or shopping, date night with another couple. You think I'm kidding? I don't think so. . .who wants to constantly hear about how many times your kid went poop in a day, if he went poop at all. Or, how about what gluten-free foods your making that actually came out great because you're kid can't eat gluten or very little. Never mind bitching about how much more gluten-free foods cost and how exhausted you are making them from scratch. Oh better yet, the melt-down your kid just had over something most would consider trivial. Let me say this loud and clear my dear friends, CONVENTIONAL PARENTING DOES NOT APPLY, so don't even go there! Or, how you can't make it to a dinner engagement, even if you have a sitter, because your discretionary funds account had to go to specially compounded medicine that insurance won't pay for, but your kid needs because it's his lifeline. Not to mention the cost of vitamins and supplements that your kid needs to take for his compromised immune system, mitochondrial dysfunction and a whole host of other dysfunctions.
Or the fact you decided to spend money out of the general fund on building a therapy gym in your garage because of your kiddo's Sensory Integration Disorder. (Just in case your kid's insurance gets cancelled and he can't go to OT anymore.) What's sensory integration disorder? REALLY? My dear friend, you've known for years that our kid has SID in addition to autism, GOOGLE IT! Nope, no patience either to give toward friendships. Time is typically of the essence in an autistic household because anything could happen at any moment and like a solider in the field, y'all got to be prepared and on guard every minute of every day! Yes, my dear friends . . . IT'S EXHAUSTING!
So you see, I have absolutely no time, nor the energy to cultivate a friendship. If I'm not monitoring poop, I'm cooking GF, or helping our kid wade through the myriad of social bull that's out there, so he can calmly and independently some day be on his own, or I'm making schedule cards or reminder cards to help him daily keep track of our already busy life with therapies. Schooling him on things that he's not learning in school. In addition to regular household chores and keeping the books for my husband's business. Sad, I know. But don't feel bad for me. I've adjusted. And, guess what? As hard, lonely and crazy as my life has become, it's actually much nicer. Simpler. I see the world now uncomplicated as my son sees it. I don't always like what I see or encounter outside our four walls, but in the grand scheme of things, it's pretty damn good!
And when I can't sleep, get blue or lonely I simply kiss my sleeping jedi padawan goodnight on the cheek and thank God for my little shining star that guides me through the darkness.
